Reaffirmation

by Husband on August 22, 2011

It has been more than a year and it was a roller coaster ride for Husband and me.  It was a phase in our lives that seriously challenged our faith to ourselves, to our love for each other, and to our decision to have an open marriage.

Having an open marriage is a lifestyle choice that does not sit well with a lot of people.  However, to each his own, I always say.  I always knew that an open relationship is for me.

Needless to say, the first years of our open marriage was very exciting.  In fact, euphoric is the best word to describe those years.  Yes, I had lovers but I still had a blissful married life and, eventually, a flourishing career.

Just like other people, we both have our household to tend, bills to pay, menus to plan, parties to attend to.  We are regular people who just happened to choose a less common marriage style and lead a less conventional lifestyle.

For 19 years, Husband and I lived this lifestyle and everything worked just fine.  Yes, there were certain issues that came along but we were able to surmount them.  We continued to have a stable and loving relationship while we each pursued our careers and our passions in life.

I know my husband has some misgivings about some of my priorities and, at hindsight, I recognize my shortcomings.  I also admit that I had some fits of jealousy with Husband’s relationship with Free Spirit. The green-eyed monster got me and I guess I never have dealt with that situation properly.

Husband mistakenly thought that the “whole polyamorous concept of compersion” was lost on me.  He thought that I wanted him to seek sexual relationships with other women without any attachment.  He did not know that I was just plainly and simply jealous.

It was then when we recognized that laying the ground rules is very important and we resolved that above all else, our relationship comes first.  It was only then when we set clear ground rules for our setup.  It was already the 14th year of our open marriage.

However, some things went really wrong and we (Husband and I) found ourselves at the end of the road.  We bickered, we said hurtful things and we talked of divorce.  Eventually, he moved out.

A month after going our separate ways, Husband and I once again found ourselves gravitating towards each other.  After the flaring emotions of previous weeks, I was able to see things from another perspective.  And, apparently, so did he.

When burning emotions subsided, we were able to talk and see each other eye to eye again.  We were able to realize our mistakes.  We recognize that our open marriage is not the problem but our attitude towards it.  We neglected the basic prerequisites for an open marriage.

Yes, we got wounded and got hurt but we emerged stronger than ever.  Wounds healed and there are so many lessons to learn.  The road to healing was long and we decided in the end to give our relationship another chance.  In the meantime, I asked Husband to rest from blogging for a while.

With divorce out of the equation, we threshed out our misunderstandings and set common ground rules to guide us.  Our experience has helped us better understand two of the basic requirements for an open marriage: open and honest communication and having clear ground rules to guide us.

Indeed, the open marriage lifestyle is not for everybody.  Those who are most fit and the most likely to succeed with open marriages are couples who communicate honestly with each other.  Telling the truth and following the rules agreed upon shows that you respect your partner.

One thing I like about having an open marriage is never having to lie.  In this environment, couples can have the opportunity to have extraordinary communication and deeper intimacy.  This way, couples have the opportunity to realize their fullest potentials as individuals.

When we decided to blog about our lifestyle, we originally planned to both write for the blog.  But I never got around finishing the draft I started and I never expected my first post to be a reaffirmation of our open marriage.

I know that there will be times when problems will challenge our open marriage.  But I am confident that our experiences have given us valuable lessons that will guide us along the way.  I am confident the deep love we share will see us through.

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